i ride my bike everyday, and i find moments to pivot back, to chat. i think about people going, all the time. its normal, its natural. something drifts in on the same wave as another thing, catches itself in the throes of the other, and then somehow they continue. they ebb and flow together, even though they don’t exist together, and I am the only tether between the two, other than Joseph of course. and Adam would never know, Adam is Joseph but will never be Joseph in this.
what is catching someone glide under a trailer, heavy in the footstep, to emerge to you doughy eyed and as bright as a child, as energetic as a fawn. a boast about a fast. a defined bicep, neck. confidence and cockiness exuding it plays with itself and has found some reflection in you. it remains unhearing, finding its own rhythm, and you feel okay with that. it doesn’t speak of your innards. even though maybe it tries?
and then to have someone by the breakfast truck, solemn and handsome, reserved. a cry on the car ride home about it. you almost hit someone crossing the highway by foot, somewhere where people aren’t supposed to be. a squelching of the brakes. and so you think it means something. It could mean anything. it opens to you shortly. and you grasp for it to mean something. you think it grasps too. you grasp so hard, it shuts down, it becomes numb, it won’t respond to you. so you think its over, you prefer it to be over.
there’s a trip, to a place that holds weight for you. but it feels weightless, completely separate. its an isolate, largely remaining in four walls with two pups. a big city. its just one person who you learn and somehow do not learn at all through sickness. he won’t touch you. there’s a lack of sex, and then some really good sex. there’s shortness in the sauna, and an immobility that takes concentration. you like your autonomy. but you have a nice time. and then it is over and there is space. naturally.
then you try and make friends, and he’s no longer numb. and its no longer over. not when you try and make friends. It becomes real again at the same time that the other wants to share large trees. and there are apologies all around, and you don’t know what it means because its coming from everywhere and you aren’t used to it. it comes of its own urgency, mostly. you stopped asking for urgency.
and I stay wondering if I am the constant why do these belong together when neither are, anything. I just want to be riding my bike everyday. I want to be on vacation or famous.